I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
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Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS