I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
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7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
*serious situation*
My brain:
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅