Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
You Might Also Like
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.