Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
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Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat