Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
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Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
brian had himself a morning…
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.