Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus