Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
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Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos