Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
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my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
A bold strategy
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her