“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.