Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
You Might Also Like
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Siri: Retweet me.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I created you as mosquito food.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.