wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
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6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms