Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.