I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.