Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
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I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for