I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
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a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?