Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
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(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
meow