(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
You Might Also Like
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Oh deer
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush