*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
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The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY