Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
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me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies