I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
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The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
The real reason evolution started..😂
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.