Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
the noise i just made
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks