the noise i just made
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Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Boating season is upon us.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*