I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
the simulation is moving too fast
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.