why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
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*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think