Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Storm Tropical Storm
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.