All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
You Might Also Like
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?