To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
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Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo