Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.