me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
couldn’t resist
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.