I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
@funTweeters
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?