Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bridger_w

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

@Tmoney68

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

@Petote

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

@offsidebastard

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

@noog

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

@thisbrokeme

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

@joeljeffrey

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

@the1652s

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

@J_Illunninati

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

@joejwest

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]