I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

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Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour


Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.


I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?


The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.


*throws keys at nearest sober person*


Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.


Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”


I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.


DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]