One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
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One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
we all know this pain all too well
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich