*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
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Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit