I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I am HOWLING at this
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close