Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
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Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.