Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
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My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Clients after you give them your rates
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Friends that check up on you >
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname