My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
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Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.