“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
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*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.