Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
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[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
titanic
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
getting old is fun
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Can Happiness buy money?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.