Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
yeah not falling for this one
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Smells like a challenge to me
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.