You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
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happy valentine’s day to me
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
just having fun
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat