[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
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[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
What is going on? 😅
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
If you had more money you’d be happier.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Things will get butter, keep churning
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?