[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
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My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.