Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
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The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.