Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
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Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie