I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?