nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
This is Sparta
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.