I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
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ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Found my door mat
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If you know, you know
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.