When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
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Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
This is true.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it