The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
You Might Also Like
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time