Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter