Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*