@desusnice

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

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@meantomyself

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

@LurkAtHomeMom

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

@Tommytoughstuff

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

@UncleDuke1969

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.