@desusnice
@Cheeseboy22 Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
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@Cheeseboy22 
@kimtopher22 When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
@JimmerThatisAll If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
@vonTraphaus Dance like you’re not the father
@meantomyself My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
@stephenjmolloy Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
@LurkAtHomeMom 7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
@Pork_Chop_Hair Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
@Tommytoughstuff Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
@UncleDuke1969 Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.