a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
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Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours